What’s Not on the Blog…

A while ago I saw a lot of blogs about what we don’t see—the hard and not so exciting things in people’s lives that don’t usually make it to the blog—an attempt to cut through all the “my life is perfect” stuff on blogs. Now, as a pretty outgoing, positive, and chipper person (I’m sure this chipper-ness annoys a lot of people) it is not in my nature to dwell on negative things and hard for me to be upset about things for extended periods of time. Ask Mitch; he says it’s the funniest thing to see me upset because it only lasts for 5 minutes and then I get distracted and I’m over it. I pride myself on being happy and positive.

Obviously though there are some things in life which cause more sadness and grieving that most everyday upsets, like family problems, miscarriages, self-confidence issues, and more, all of which I’ve had my experiences with. My purposes of keeping up our blog are a bit like a photo album—I love to visually see (with lots of written description because let’s face it, brevity is not my strong point) what types of things Mitch and I have been up to over the past few years. In that regard I don’t necessarily feel like writing about the days (or minutes) when I am down and out. But for the sake of making sure I share and remember things that are challenging for me, here’s what typically doesn’t make it to the blog:

- The times when I feel like I have no clue what I’m doing as a mother and worrying constantly that I’m not reading enough or talking enough or singing enough, or whatever enough with Emerson.

- My lifelong challenges with my weight, making me mortifyingly self-conscious. I can’t think of a time in my life where I felt 100% great about my appearance, even when I was at my smallest when I got married. I look back at those pictures and think, man I looked so good! But then I remember that when I was that small I didn’t even feel small. I feel like I’ll probably always struggle with this.

- My frustration with how.much.I.talk. Sometimes I fantasize about being a really shy person who is amazingly observant, who doesn’t need to be the outgoing one because they’re taking it all in on the sidelines. I do feel being outgoing has helped me reach out to a lot of people in this life that have a hard time making friends, sometimes though, we’ll get back from a party or gathering and I’ll say to Mitch, “I’m so sick of hearing my voice—why do I talk so much?” Ugh.

- How hard it was to grow up in a completely dysfunctional and sometimes enraged family situation. For every person out there I know who comes from a close, strong, and uplifting family, I’ve probably wished I had your family at some point in my life. I’ve always found myself being close with friends’ parents because at many points in my life they acted like parents to me.

- My abundantly inadequate amount of talents, especially those that are worthwhile like church talents. I’m terrible at singing, leading, piano, and really anything music related. I serve in the Stake Primary and I only know about 5 primary songs. And not growing up in the Church I feel like I don’t know many basic stories about Church history and the scriptures. I never had a talent that could be done in say a talent show or for a congregation.

- How much I loathe the kind of person I used to be in high school. Though I’ve always been outgoing, I was really snobby and judgmental and made a lot of mistakes. I made a vow to myself when I went to college to be the nicest person I could to everyone I met. I constantly fall through on this goal, but I still try to make a point to achieve it.

- How hard it was to be the only Mormon in my graduate program and be ridiculed all the time for basic things we believe. One girl had even left the Church after being married in the Temple and made derogatory comments about it all the time. That was hands down the worst part of grad school.

- My brain and memory that used to be sharp are slowly eroding… I can barely remember those 5 years of Spanish, 2 years of French, editing classes, English lit classes, marketing theory, or really any math. I used to pride myself on being smart, but I don’t know if I can anymore.

- How I wish we’d starting trying to have kids right we we got married. I wish I had several now.

- How annoying it is to live with me; I thank the heavens for a calm and kind husband.

- How critical I am of myself. I usually get more mad at myself when I mess up that when someone else does. I am a huge self-critic. And this is likely the reason I was always so stressed working in my (ex) career… I never thought things were finished and could always be better. But then again, in some instances I’m totally okay with mediocrity—like my craft projects for example.

I’m sure there are more I haven’t thought of now (but really you don’t have to tell me what they are). I am grateful that I can usually see things in a positive way and quickly get over feeling down or bad about myself, but I think it’s important for me to remember what these struggles are.